The Art of Love
By
Dr. Lorraine Cassista
February, 2003

     For the last year and a half I sorted through thousands of pictures and collected poems, song lyrics and motivational quotes to prepare scrapbooks for my two daughters for Christmas. I did a lot of journaling in these albums giving them my reflections on life and the presence of their lives in the lives of their father and me. Here are some of my thoughts on relationships, modified for this column, which I put in their journals that I would like to also share with you.     

     Life is a journey. Relationships help form that journey. Too many people put more time and effort into planning their weddings than in planning their relationships. It isn’t a beautiful wedding that will lead to a long, happy marriage, as you well know from some weddings you have attended. Our interactions with others help us get to know more about who we are and where our strengths and weaknesses lay. Seeing through another’s eyes helps us see ourselves the way others see us. It also gives us a better perspective on the way they view their own world. However, how we view ourselves and the level of self-esteem from which we operate is one of the best predictors of personal happiness. Before you can have a truly satisfying and fulfilling relationship with someone else, you must have a good one with yourself.

     Our level of self-esteem has profound consequences on every aspect of our existence, including the area of intimate relationships. Not only is it important to love ourselves, we must believe we are lovable and that someone else can love us. Trust between each other is important and we must be able to trust our own abilities that we can handle anything that comes up in a relationship. We must trust our own judgments, not falling prey to blind trust in our partner, which leaves us vulnerable. When the foundation of inner security is not there and there is a secret fear that one is destined for pain, rather than being happy, many people choose to be “right”. They choose what they may believe about themselves at an unconscious level. When we become more conscious, self-accepting, responsible and more truthful with ourselves, it becomes easier to confront discomforting emotions and it allows us to be more resourceful and powerful in our choices. The same holds true for our relationships.

     For a happy and loving relationship between a husband and a wife, each partner must be complete in and of themselves. Enriching each other’s lives with high levels of integrity allows us to be honest, to trust each other, to have clear and thoughtful communication and share in each other’s love without jealousy or withholding. Unlike what TV and movies will have you believe is possible or even advantageous, being each other’s best friend is an essential ingredient to a successful relationship. It’s important to not take each other for granted and to strive to be as open and honest about ourselves as we are about each other.

     There is great confusion for most people between the notion of falling in love and being or standing in love. The exhilarating, intoxicating feeling of falling in love is like the romantic wedding. This type of love, by its very nature, is not proof of the intensity of love, nor is it lasting. Love is an art. You must master its theory and its practice in order to maintain it. Happy Valentine’s Day!