Dealing With Grief
By
Dr. Lorraine Cassista

     All of us have to deal with grief at one time or another.  Each person handles losses in a different way. There is no one way to grieve. How one handles grief is essential to their health and well-being. The emotional response can range from rage to a deep sense of emptiness.

     The bereaved is the person left to mourn, while mourning is the behavior of the bereaved and those left behind after a death. Different cultures have different ways of mourning. In our society, grieving usually follows a particular pattern. First, the bereaved usually experiences shock and disbelief, which can last up to several weeks, depending on the suddenness or unexpected aspect of the death. This is followed by a preoccupation with the memory of the person who died. This can last up to six months or longer. Finally, the bereaved person comes to accept the death and starts to resume normal, everyday activities. Despite what some people think, depression is not universal, nor is it healthy.

     People can experience grief through other losses. Experiencing divorce, giving away a pet, and moving are all forms of loss. One way to deal with a loss is to share your thoughts and feelings with family and friends. Remember, however, not everyone will feel comfortable in dealing with your grief. They may not know what to say or do. Rather than ask about the loss, they may avoid the subject, or, worse yet, may avoid the person who is mourning altogether because they do not know what to say or do to help. One of the best ways to deal with a loss may be to join a bereavement support group. They can be found by asking a funeral director or looking in the newspaper under community group activities. People often feel more comfortable talking about their emotions in a setting where others are experiencing a similar loss. This way they share their fears, anger, and pain without feeling like a burden to others.

     Guilt often accompanies death. Never deny anyone their guilt, nor your own. Rather than telling someone not to feel guilty, let him or her examine their feelings of guilt and help them come to their own resolution by allowing them to share their feelings. It is often helpful for both the dying person and the survivors to openly discuss unresolved issues, and, yes even death. It can create a healthy bond before the person dies. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, in her book, On Death and Dying, says that a dying person can help family and friends come to terms with their loss by sharing their thoughts and feelings. She states, “If he is able to work through his own grief and show his family by his example how one can die with equanimity [dignity], they will remember his strength and bear their own sorrow with more dignity”.

     Remember, grieving is a normal and necessary part of emotional recovery from a loss. When suffering a loss, you do not have to do it alone. When family and friends seem at their own loss for what to do to help, choosing a support group to help through the tough times may be a good alternative.