Forgiveness: A New Resolution
By
Dr. Lorraine Cassista

     Instead of making your usual New Year’s resolutions, why not try something new! May I suggest you consider forgiveness as not only the best resolution, but the best medicine as well? According to Everett Worthington, a psychologist and executive director of A Campaign for Forgiveness Research, the act of forgiving has direct and indirect effects on the body and mind. When people forgive and replace anger and resentment with positive emotions, they experience a decrease in the hostility and negative stress contributing to heart disease, increased blood pressure, weaker immune systems, anxiety and depression. Pent-up unresolved thoughts, emotions and negativity can be harbored in the body and make us sick. Norman Cousins, author of Anatomy of an Illness, said, “The easiest way to deepen a grievance is to cling to it. The surest way to intensify an illness is to blame oneself….”

     Studies show anger and resentment doubled the risk of heart attacks in women with previous heart problems. Other studies have linked an increase in cancer, eating disorders and immune system dysfunction. Stanford University researchers found people who are hostile by nature are 5 times more likely to die at an early age.

     Forgiveness is releasing the other person from retaliation and wishing that person well. The same holds true of forgiving oneself. Forgiveness means releasing the negative emotions surrounding injustices you have experienced and letting go of the events you replay in your mind that recreate the trauma, pain or fear. It means not allowing yourself to remain a victim of your unfair treatment. The most important thing to realize is your failure to forgive hurts only you and not the person who inflicted harm. The person who gains most by forgiving is the one doing the forgiving and the one who is hurt most is the one who will not forgive. Forgiveness preserves bodily health by resolving anger and guilt that can literally eat away at our bodies and soul.

    What does forgiveness mean? It means acknowledging the anger and hurt caused by a clearly identified specific offense(s), putting aside revenge and considering the offender’s perspective by trying to understand their attitudes and behaviors. It means choosing to move on, let go and not be encumbered by the past. Forgiveness is frequently difficult, but can be made easier when you realize a person’s mistreatment of someone else is often an expression of his or her own fear and former unresolved hurt. Holding onto the resentment created by them keeps you a victim.

     Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation. You do not have to resume a painful relationship in order to forgive, nor does the person have to be alive. It doesn’t mean approval of hurtful behavior or pretending that it never happened. It also doesn’t mean that you must forget. What is important is that you let go of the attachment to the wrong that has been done to you and learn from the experience so that it doesn’t happen again. Forgiveness involves truly letting go of the expectation of a positive response and the need to control the outcome of a situation. You need to be aware that the person you are forgiving may not give you the positive response you would like.

     What if the person you need to forgive is yourself? We often are our own worst enemies especially when it comes to what we perceive to be our weaknesses and failures. One of the down sides of making New Year’s resolutions is that, more often than not, we don’t keep them and then feel like we have failed. Self-forgiveness means accepting yourself as a human, someone with faults and weaknesses who sometimes make mistakes. It means letting go of the anger and guilt resulting from those mistakes. Being able to forgive yourself for any past wrongdoing, whether it be something you did that hurt someone else or something you did to hurt yourself, such as alcohol and drug abuse or any other self-destructive behavior, is directly related to positive feelings of self esteem and self worth. Lack of self-forgiveness can lead to chronic depression.

     The keys to forgiving yourself include developing trust in yourself and being open to the idea that you can change. It means being able to address your demons and have an open, honest communication with yourself concerning past hurts, pains and offenses. Not doing so is self-destructive. Identify what you need to forgive about yourself. Ask yourself what beliefs you have that may prevent you from forgiving yourself. What would be necessary to change those beliefs and what new behaviors do you need to develop in order to forgive yourself? What do you gain from staying angry and what do you gain by giving up that anger.

     There are many ways you can start your journey of forgiveness. Writing is one of my favorite ways to express what I am feeling. It can be as simple as writing your painful experiences in a journal or in a letter to the person who has hurt you. Describing the incident and saying, “I forgive you for…”, then “I forgive myself for…” can have profound effects. You can send the letter or dispose of it. It doesn’t really matter as long as YOU let the past go. As a matter of fact, people who write about their painful experiences and feelings report fewer symptoms, doctors’ visits, and days off work. They also show improved mood, a more positive outlook and enhanced immune function. Get this year off to a good start and make it a healthy one by starting it off with a good dose of forgiveness wherever necessary.