Great Expectations
By
Dr. Lorraine Cassista
December, 2002

     The holidays bring about lots of excitement and a “to do” list longer than most of us care to think about. We run around cleaning the house, cooking up a storm, shopping till we drop to find something for everyone on our list, going to parties and basically complicating our lives more than necessary. Is it any wonder that depression is more prevalent this time of year?

     Dealing with the stresses of everyday life can be difficult enough. Compound that with all of the extra demands we place on ourselves and others during the holidays and problems can arise from an unrealistic expectation of others and oneself. However, the holidays offer us a time to reflect on our expectations, not only during the holidays, but all year long. If we have not established clear expectations on a regular basis, how can we expect the holidays to come and go without disappointment?

     What do you want and expect from your relationships? What do you expect from your spouse, parents, children, friends and coworkers on a regular basis? Do you know what they expect of you? Not being clear about what it is we want and expect from others sets us up for disappointment. Disappointment created from unmet expectations leads to hurt feelings. Unexpressed hurt feelings create problems in communication. In order to get our needs met, we must be clear in expressing them and not leave it up to others to figure out. When we expect others to know what we need or want from them without clear communication, we are basing our happiness on an unpredictable outcome. Our expectations are not met because they were not clearly stated or were unrealistic. We can only ask of others what they can give.

     This is not to say that you shouldn’t have high standards for life, love and wisdom. Certainly, upholding high standards in terms of behavior and performance challenge one to be the best that he or she can be. This goes for upholding ethical standards to which they can be held accountable for children as well. We do our children harm by expecting very little or too much of them. When we know what is expected of us, we are more likely to deliver. Children don’t want to be a disappointment to their parents and you can help them ensure that they live up to your expectations by making them clear and attainable. By the same token, you live up to their expectations of you as a parent by being true to your word and keeping your promises to them.

     Don’t assume what others expect of you or that they know what you expect of them. Unspoken expectations in a relationship lead to disillusion. What we get is not what we expected and leaves us feeling like something is missing or wrong. Maybe what is wrong is that we have not been realistic about what to expect. Nothing is perfect, including our relationships with the most important people in our lives.

     When people first get married or have their first child, they frequently have unrealistic expectations about what marriage or being a parent is all about. They have a fantasy about what it will or should be like and are quickly disappointed when the fantasy takes a turn from the “happily ever after”. Discussing important events with those involved and what you expect from the relationship will go a long way toward maintaining harmony and attaining the life you want with those most important to you. Take the time to explain expectations to your children so that they can manage them in their own lives. The holidays are a perfect opportunity to do just that.