The Popularity Game: We All Want a Chance to Play
By
Dr. Lorraine Cassista

     Many factors can affect the way we interpret our world. The manner in which we take in information through our senses, our age, our health, the way in which we organize our thoughts into meaningful patterns, our past experiences, expectations, knowledge, and moods all play a major role in the way we perceive the world around us. Because of these factors, we may make errors in perceiving others or events. Our cognitive and behavioral, interpersonal social skills help define our self concept. Self concept built during middle childhood is strong and lasting. How popular a child was in the third grade is said to be a better predictor of mental health problems at age eighteen than any other factor.

     We all, no doubt, have experienced the pangs of unpopularity at one point or another and know that it is not a game we want to play. Because it has been suggested that children’s popularity is dependent on their interpersonal skills and that teaching them specific social skills may improve their quality of social functioning, it is crucial for them to be able to interpret and respond to emotional and interpersonal cues. Unpopular children appear to have poor social skills, be poor at reading emotional and social signals, and have difficulty in decoding nonverbal, emotional signals that tend to be even more ambiguous than verbal messages. When children have a poor sense of personal space and invade others’ space by standing too closely or invade others’ space with their belongings, are poor interpreters of body language, such as misreading or misusing facial expressions, or lack the proper emotional component of speech, they appear awkward to their peers and may be neglected or rejected as a result of their disability in reading nonverbal messages.

     Understanding facial expressions is an essential social skill for proper interpretation of emotional reactions. One of the deficiencies of social perception in unpopular children is the inadequate interpretation of environmental cues, particularly those that may seem ambiguous. Children who cannot read or express emotions effectively feel frustrated and powerless because they cannot understand the reactions they get from other people. If a child is unaware of the emotional message he is sending by trying to engage enthusiastically in an activity but only manages to aggravate his playmates, he doesn’t realize why. Less popular children appear to have a more difficult time accurately and consistently labeling proper emotions to nonverbal messages, such as facial expression. Despite the fact that nonverbal messages can be ambiguous, decoding ability can be improved with training and increases with age. Although their ability to decode facial expressions may increase as they age, unpopular childeren still may not process as efficiently as those considered more popular.

     The importance of interpreting nonverbal communication in interpersonal functioning is critical in forming strong social ties. Some alternative explanations might be that some unpopular children may be intellectually slower than others, which may be why they do not adequately interpret nonverbal signals. Also some unpopular children may have a problem with attention deficit or hyperactivity hindering their ability to decode nonverbal cues. Yet another factor may be the ethnic or cultural background that may place some limitations on the children's nonverbal interpretative abilities.

     Here are some suggestions from Daniel Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence, from a University of Illinois psychologist who designed a series of “friendship coaching” sessions for unpopular children using methods employed by more popular children. First, encourage your child to think of alternative suggestions or compromises to fighting when they disagree about rules of a game, what to play, etc. When playing, encourage your child to talk and ask questions about the other child and listen and look at the other child to monitor feedback. Teach your child to say something nice to their playmate when they do well and to smile and offer help or suggestions and encouragement.

     Teach your child to spend time observing a group to understand what’s going on before joining it. Doing something that shows they accept the group and waiting to establish their status in the group before making suggestions as to what the group should do are also good ideas to reinforce acceptance from the group. Fully joining the activity and staying connected to the desires and needs of the other playmate or group of playmates is always a good strategy and will help keep your child in the game.