Self Esteem - Gifts You Give Your Child
By
Dr. Lorraine Cassista

     We hear a lot about self esteem these days. Parents want their children to feel good about themselves. Real self esteem, though, is not developed through just an attitude of feeling good about oneself. In fact, there has even been negative press lately about all the effort put into creating high self esteem in schools today, that it may even be a detriment. Certainly, encouraging children to feel good about themselves regardless of the way they behave serves to spoil them at best.

     Self esteem results from confidence in our own judgment, in our ability to learn and make decisions, and trust we have the skills necessary to be successful in our choices. Just as a baby learns a task such as walking by taking many falls, eventually with the warmth and encouragement of parents and family, the baby learns to walk. The pride and sense of accomplishment can only be earned by the baby. We cannot walk for her. One has to develop the resiliency to overcome obstacles and negative barriers.

     We need to remember that the focus is not to just make children feel good about themselves. Dignity and self worth result from developing such positive characteristics as motivation, responsibility, accountability for one’s actions, caring for others, initiative, perseverance, teamwork, and problem solving. The best gift you can give your child is the skills, such as the ones listed above, necessary to prepare him/her for school and for the rest of life. These skills will enhance self esteem.

     Children who are not allowed to make their own mistakes do not grow and learn from their mistakes. Parents often have a tough time when their kids go through struggles wanting to take care of the problems, making them go away. You really do your children a disservice when you take care of “the problem”. Children need to know they can rely on their own devices to succeed in life. Having the confidence and taking responsibility for one’s own actions has a way of boosting self esteem like no one person can. Yes, words are very important and can do good or cause much harm depending on what and how they are said. It’s how you internalize the words given to you that will either enhance or diminish your self esteem. Whether its children or adults, the way you feel about yourself has just as much to do with your own actions as with the opinions given to you by significant others.

     How can you help your child’s self esteem in school? First, establish a good rapport with his teachers. Let them know that you are an available and interested parent. Ask the teachers how you can best help your child, especially if he has difficulty in a particular subject. Make sure your child has a quiet place to study and do homework. Let him know the importance of hard work and effort through your own example, and offer ways to work smarter, not harder.

     Help her plan her homework if she needs extra help getting organized. Use a homework planner if one is not provided by the school. Only oversee that homework gets done letting the child be in control and develop the responsibility of handling her own work. Doing homework or a project for your child does not teach her anything about the subject, responsibility, time-management, nor about honesty. Resist the temptation to nag. Believe me, I know this one can be difficult!

     Kind and loving words are important. Tell her what a great kid she is. Also remember that teaching your children how to make choices in life by clarifying important values such as honesty, respect for self and others, responsibility, accountability for one’s actions, planning and working for what you want, being kind to all living things, etc. through your own example will do wonders for your child’s self esteem and your own!