What a Difference a Dad Can Make!
By
Dr. Lorraine Cassista

     The importance of fathers in the lives of their children is well documented. Besides offering more economic stability, fathers are an important source of nurturance and emotional security. According to an article in Fathering Magazine, “Children reared in fatherless homes are more than twice as likely to become male adolescent delinquents or teen mothers, according to a significant new study by two economists at the University of California, Santa Barbara”. Studies suggest that the strongest predictor of positive outcomes for children is a mother and father parenting together. A family living in harmony is the ideal, but not always possible.

     There are many reasons why fathers may be absent, either physically, emotionally or both from their children’s lives. Trying to build that bridge of communication and contact is important to the development of children and adolescence. Children may not always be lucky enough to have an adoptive or stepfather in the absence of their biological father. While the biological father may be absent, other male role models such as an uncle, grandfather, or family friend can serve to strengthen the child’s belief in himself/herself, provide strong emotional support, and build loving relationships that last.

     Caring for children can also be a transforming experience for fathers and lead to their own personal growth. Fathers who are positively active in the lives of their children enhance the chance of academic success and help develop healthy gender identity, clear values and moral development.

     In years past, fathers at least offered the security that they would be there even if they didn’t always voice it in terms of emotional reinforcement. Although men are making more attempts to be emotionally present for their children, something that was frequently lacking in previous generations, the fact remains that half of all fathers are physically absent for a good part of the time because of divorce. Parents need to work together and put aside their differences for the sake of the children. Children need to know they are not responsible for the problems in the parental relationship and that both parents are still committed to their children. Divorce sends the message to children that commitment and human relationships are temporary. The way around that is for both parents to maintain enough maturity and sense of their own self-esteem to be able to encourage the relationship their children have with the other spouse. Obviously the disagreements that contributed to divorce don’t just go away, and as impossible as it may seem, parents need to be able to support the child’s need to still be connected to the other parent. Children feel divided loyalties when parents cannot put aside their differences. Whether you are married with children, single with children, or divorced, you need to schedule time with your children on a regular basis.

     According to Dr. Robert Ivker, author of Thriving, “Your father’s love is the tie that binds you to our male ‘tribe’, to your masculinity, and it may be the most significant factor in the development of your self-esteem”. For men who have had difficult or abusive relationships with their fathers or felt their fathers were never there for them, it is important at many levels of health to heal the father-son relationship. Men may be bitter, angry or hostile, especially sons of alcoholics, because their needs were not met by their fathers. Hostility has a clear link with heart disease, a leading killer of men. Despite the animosity these men may express, they still yearn for their father’s love and acceptance and carry a soft spot for them in their hearts throughout their lives. The effect of the relationship a father has with his daughter is more subtle. Through his feelings and actions, how he relates to her mother, and his role in the family, he may influence her ability to develop a loving relationship of her own as an adult.

     There are many organizations to help fathers stay connected to their children and help them in times of need, whether it be first-time fathers, teenage fathers, divorced fathers, or just fathers who wish to come together with other fathers to be a strong and positive influence on the lives of their children. Negative stereotyping serves to fuel men’s insecurity about their care-taking abilities. Wives who want their husbands to be involved, but constantly correct them or want them to “mother” their children rather than allow him to “father” contribute to the confusion men have about raising children. If you are a father, don’t be fooled into thinking you don’t make a difference and, therefore, be content to not share in the life of your child. Fathers are very important in the lives of their children and you do make a difference!